swimming in self doubtPosted: January 26, 2011
I have tried to form a coherent thought to post here for days. It hasn’t come. Or, more precisely, I have not had the time to smooth out the thoughts. MANY thoughts have come, only to be bulldozed out of the way for more practical tasks.
For some reason, my “old” self (read: self before marriage, kids, not working, fibromyalgia, before my creative spark was buried by laundry) has been on my mind a lot lately – like somehow I’m trying to get back there. But, I’m old enough and wise enough to know that I’ve got to let that go. Not that my old self can’t inform the person I am now, but I am no longer single, childless and…. this is the part that hurts…feeling creative. I judge the creative things I have done in the last 3 years or so mercilessly. They aren’t good enough, big enough, enough enough. What it feels like is that I need more time. Time to be by myself, more specifically. Well, time is not an abundant commodity here, in this life right now. I’m tired of waiting though. where? where can i carve out some more time for me? – such a whiner! I SHOULD be happy to be home with my little one, home for my bigger one when he gets home from school, home for my husband when he gets here….here, home for everyone…where is my home? Ugh, such whining….I’m posting this rambling to remind myself where I was on Jan. 26, 2011.
For my MondoBeyondo class I’m supposed to come up with a mantra today. One that comes from ME, inside me, not something from the past that I’ve used to get this far. I’m so jaded. I’m going to have to pull myself up by my bootstraps to get this one done!