Losing Time – Open Hear post #5

“When the heart weeps for what it has lost,
the spirit laughs for what it has found.”

      Sufi proverb

I’ve lost hours with my son.  When he is with his father, my ex-husband, I lose hours.  I’ll never get them back.  This is not a unique phenomenon.  Fathers and Mothers alike experience it. It is through this thick coating of a sense of lost time, that I heard my son say tonight, “I don’t want to go on vacation with you guys this year”.  We had just finished telling him that we started to look at cool things to do in the places we’re going to visit.

He had been grumpy for a little while and when this finally came out I was overcome with emotion. I didn’t know what to say.  Tears welled up in his eyes and I could tell that it was hard for him to tell us this. I tried to be compassionate.  I told him it was ok, and hugged him.  But as he started to talk some more, he expressed feelings of wanting to be with his dad and not us. I could sense the conflict inside of him.  Having to choose between two people you love can be very difficult.

The loss for me came when I realized he simply didn’t want to be with me, his step-dad, and his brother on vacation.  That I would lose more time with him.  He starts middle school in the Fall. He wants a cell phone and we won’t get him one yet.  He’s growing up and trying to differentiate himself.  Yeah, well, it still makes me feel like I failed. No amusement park, no cool place can hold a candle to spending time with someone you love and want to be around.  I can’t deny him that.  So. There you go.

So, if I follow the quote at the beginning of this post out to the end, I have to dig a little to see what the hell spirit might be laughing at.  Come to find out, there are positives to be found.  No one will endlessly ask “how much farther” on vacation (because the 15 month old can’t talk yet).  I won’t have to hear how bored someone is (same reason). Airfare fares for three people are cheaper than for four.

And, so I guess spirit has found a space. Maybe a space for me to differentiate a few parts of my own self. A space between me and son, whom I have tried to help cleave from me, in a healthy and natural way. I weep for the loss of time, but laugh for the space I find, after helping a part of my self push off from shore.


6 Comments on “Losing Time – Open Hear post #5”

  1. Stephanie says:

    I’m proud of you for working all the way toward the space.


  2. each1pull1 says:

    I’m so sorry Naima. We all have to go through this as parents (as we did on the other end as kids!), but it’s so hard. I hardly see Hannah any more. Last night as I lay awake I was thinking of her down at the other end of the house sleeping, and I wanted to go wake her up to just hold her. But she’s 18, graduating high school. Just leaving elementary school seems to young!


  3. Rebekah says:

    This post made me sad. At the same time I think it is awesome that you are so supportive of your son. That is just so wonderful. He has a great mother 🙂


    • This post made me sad too. We ended up not going on vacation – a lot has happened, and I want to follow up on this post soon. Thanks for the kind words, I feel most of the time like i’m free falling through motherhood, and only very occasionally land on the right choice or decision.


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